On Loneliness

Loneliness is the destiny of human beings, an unavoidable and fated part of life. Since the 19th century, many philosophers, writers, and psychologists have expressed this attitude from different perspectives, such as Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Thomas Wolfe, Jean-Paul Sartre, Hannah Arendt, and Irvin Yalom, among others. Regardless, the belief that loneliness is a human destiny seems profound and gives life a tragic hue. In contrast, views that do not see loneliness as inevitable tend to appear less profound, and those advocating these ideas rarely argue from a philosophical standpoint but instead from practical strategies rooted in everyday life.

So, is loneliness truly inevitable? Highly intelligent people are often prone to a cognitive bias of “profoundism,” the belief that the deeper something is, the truer it must be. Thus, if you were to ask a highly intelligent person this question, most would likely agree with the idea because rejecting it would seem to suggest a lack of depth. Sometimes, even some shallow individuals like to claim that loneliness is the destiny of humans, simply to appear profound.

Let’s assume a person who has a fulfilling social life throughout their undergraduate years and rarely feels loneliness. However, those who believe loneliness is inevitable might argue that even if such a person truly exists, it only means that this person has simply managed to avoid feelings of loneliness through social interaction or other means at the right moments. Nevertheless, there remains an inherent tendency that could pull this person toward loneliness.

We can compare the feeling of loneliness to hunger. When the stomach is continuously digesting food, and once it has been insufficiently nourished, hunger will be felt. Loneliness works the same way; a person might avoid the inevitable feeling of loneliness through some activity, but once that activity stops for a while, loneliness can set in. Like hunger, loneliness is a drive—a motivating force that spurs us to avoid both hunger and loneliness.

My philosophical view is that loneliness is not the fate of human beings, but sliding into loneliness is. The struggle with loneliness is humanity’s destiny. This is akin to the principle of hunger; it is hard to say that hunger is our fate, but it is certainly our fate to slide into hunger. In modern society, most people can fill their stomachs just before or as they begin to feel hunger, so hunger generally becomes an exception.

However, people cannot always avoid loneliness in the same way. In recent years, as mental health has gained increasing attention, people have acknowledged that loneliness is a form of illness, even an epidemic. Of course, this does not mean that feeling lonely automatically means one is “ill,” but rather that for some, the intensity and persistence of their loneliness have begun to significantly impact their daily lives. For these people, loneliness is no longer an exception. In this sense, loneliness is a typical form of psychological unhealthiness and should not be excused by the philosophical argument that “loneliness is fate.”

If one is lonely or occasionally experiences loneliness, it becomes very important to acknowledge it. This acknowledgment involves both admitting to oneself and to others that one feels lonely. People often say their social circle is small, that they live alone with little social interaction, but fail to take that crucial step of admitting the feeling of loneliness. The word “romantic” is rarely used, just like the word “loneliness” is rarely spoken. On social media, people post only the bright, polished sides of their lives, rarely sharing their loneliness. Even sending a “lonely” emoji is the farthest they go in expressing such feelings.

Only when we admit our loneliness and recognize that we are in a fated struggle with it, can we know what we need to do, thus enabling us to gain more advantages in that struggle. People have developed many strategies to cope with loneliness, or rather, to prevent themselves from sliding into complete loneliness. For example, in recent times, much of my time has been spent in solitude, and my personality and the lifestyle I’ve chosen have determined that solitude—though not celibacy—would occupy a significant portion of my life.

Yet, I rarely feel lonely. The main reason is that my work is demanding, but in my alone time, I engage in activities like writing, reading, or chatting with friends online. Outside of solitude, my social life fits within the limits of my personality and work stress. Theoretically, as long as I remain oblivious to external events, especially not reading about macroeconomics, there is little to complain about in life.

A key lesson for young people is to learn to endure loneliness, for loneliness is the source of happiness and peace. Therefore, only those who rely on themselves, who can become truly independent, are the ones in the best situation.

Schopenhauer, The Wisdom of Life

Yet, the feeling of loneliness sometimes quietly creeps in from the cracks. Sometimes, it arrives so suddenly and violently, as though the Grim Reaper with his scythe is knocking on my door. This happened to me just a few nights ago when I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by loneliness. I couldn’t do anything serious, so I climbed into bed early to prepare for sleep. The next day, the first thing I was aware of upon waking was that the loneliness had dissipated, and I regained full capacity to act.

Night is the emotional crisis period for people; they become more irritable, more prone to depression, more likely to engage in immoral actions, and more susceptible to feeling lonely. Loneliness often seizes the night when vulnerability peaks. Therefore, people who frequently experience loneliness should develop a habit of going to bed early and rising early to avoid engaging in a battle with loneliness during the night.

The situation that makes me feel the strongest sense of loneliness is when traveling alone. Goethe recorded this sense of loneliness in his Italian Journey. Unlike the sudden arrival of loneliness at the door, the loneliness felt during solo travel is predictable, repeatable, or even inevitable. When traveling, one leaves a familiar environment and enters an unfamiliar, new one. On one hand, people tend to view unfamiliar environments as dangerous and rely on cooperation to increase survival chances. On the other hand, people are constantly introduced to new sensory experiences, but they can’t find anyone to share these experiences with. Many people in such situations will try to message friends, but they soon realize that this has little effect.

I find that many people seem unable to imagine traveling alone. I once asked a girl, “Have you been to Yellow Mountain?” She replied, “I want to, but my parents are too busy.” Many people try every means to travel with friends or find a “buddy” at the last minute, just avoiding traveling alone. Furthermore, travel settings are often where people drop their guard and engage in social interactions, perhaps due to the influence of loneliness. The people we occasionally meet and talk to during our travels often leave a deep impression and can easily maintain some form of connection.

I believe that everyone should have had the experience of traveling alone. Not for business, not for an interview, nor to meet friends, but simply to go to a destination where no one knows them for leisure. Because when traveling alone, a deeper awareness of one’s life often accompanies the feeling of loneliness, and this experience is something everyone should have, as it lends meaning to one’s life. Moreover, we may not be completely alone, as we might meet other travelers or locals along the way.

Generally speaking, solitude and interpersonal relationships are the two indispensable primary ways to cope with loneliness, and these two ways reflect the different aspects of loneliness: one is the separation between the self and consciousness (which leads to an inauthentic existence), while the other is the separation between the self and others (which leads to a lack of connection with others). Carl Rogers elaborates on this:

“There are many ways of looking at loneliness, but I wish to focus on two elements of the sense of aloneness which we so often see in our clients and in others. The first is the estrangement of man from himself, from his experiencing organism. In this fundamental rift, the experiencing organism senses one meaning in experience, but the conscious self clings rigidly to another, since that is the way it has found love and acceptance from others. Thus, we have a potentially fatal division, with most behaviour being regulated in terms of meanings perceived in awareness, but with other meanings sensed by the physiological organism being denied and ignored because of an inability to communicate freely within oneself.

The other element in our loneliness is the lack of any relationship in which we communicate our real experiencing – and hence our real self – to another. When there is no relationship in which we are able to communicate both aspects of our divided self – our conscious facade and our deeper level of experiencing – then we feel the loneliness of not being in real touch with any other human being.”

The Carl Rogers Reader

People understand loneliness as the separation between self and others, but they may not realize the separation between self and consciousness. Often, the self desires one thing, while consciousness believes it wants another, and consciousness fails to grasp what it truly needs. Many people’s self wants to be loved, but when consciousness speaks, it might demand a dowry or advocate for feminism.

In-depth solitude can solve the separation between self and consciousness, while deep interpersonal relationships can solve the separation between self and others. Introverts are accustomed to using solitude to cope; extroverts are accustomed to coping through social relationships. The key is that introverts need to learn interpersonal relationships, while extroverts need to learn solitude. This way, they can better cope with loneliness. Personally, in recent years, I have been able to manage loneliness well because I have learned to socialize and happen to know many interesting people.

But people often overlook an obvious fact: romantic love, as the most exciting adventure in life, can solve both the separation between self and consciousness (because falling in love often leads to a deeper understanding of the self) and the separation between self and others (because intimate relationships crown interpersonal relationships). Lonely people are often those who are not bathed in love, while those who are bathed in love do not feel loneliness in any meaningful sense. While some low-quality marriages can indeed make people feel lonely, romantic love itself is already absent in such situations. Romantic love cannot replace solitude or interpersonal relationships, nor can it solve all problems, but it is the most potent cure for loneliness. It is the dialectical synthesis of solitude and interpersonal relationships. For most people, even if solitude and social relationships are flawless, the absence of romantic love will still bring a strong sense of loneliness, and this effect becomes more pronounced with prolonged singlehood.

In conclusion, solitude requires one to sit alone, find truly meaningful things to do, focus on one’s inner needs, and discard external judgments. It is not about escaping loneliness by writing papers, playing games, or scrolling through short videos because, once these distractions end, loneliness will immediately resurface. Socializing requires one to develop social skills and etiquette, engage in social activities, make friends, and maintain friendships. Romantic love, however, is the hardest. Not only is it difficult to encounter, but once it does, it requires a strong sense of self to make it work. Even more difficult is the hope that the person will fall in love with you and the immense effort required to maintain that love. Solving the most difficult problems will bring the highest rewards in the inevitable challenge of loneliness. From this perspective, life’s arrangement is fair.